Mis-somniloquy

*somniloquy is sleep-talk for those interested (in knowing the definition, not in contracting such habits)

 

Plans are problematic things.  Mayhaps they do n’t have to be, but they quite often are.  Perhaps that is simply due to the process of attaining new information, “Ah, of course things follow this path, not that one.”  This tends to frustrate planners like myself.

The plan is always simple enough – but the plan never meets expectations.  Often enough I ‘m glad it does n’t; who we are is determined less by how we act when things neatly follow the plan than how we react when they do n’t, however I ‘d appreciate a little more clarity, a little more rest.  Rest?  Unlikely – perhaps I should rehabilitate the concept of restlessness first…but I shan’t here: ‘t is tedious.

 

Or perhaps plans are merely expectations: if ‘x’ remains constant, I shall follow course ‘y’ consisting of steps to be enumerated in such manner…but if ‘a’ is subtracted from ‘x’ then I proceed on ‘y-less-a-in-x’ course, but perhaps ‘z’ is the better course to then follow.  Condensed: the goal has n’t really changed although implementing ‘y’ as if ‘x’ remained constant has already gone out the window this Summer.  Oh yeah, and the last goal (completing the M.A. at Fuller) is two assignments from completion (one of which I had n’t planned for) so it’s very nearly time to implement new plan.

I won’t apologize for being frustrated – but I do want to restore some semblance of balance.  Ok, so the restlessness excursus: the M.A. was n’t everything I expected.  I came in hoping to hone certain skills or competencies and was honestly dissatisfied.  I leave without a golden brick road to follow and am grateful for that, but would rather have been challenged to greatness in these courses (especially language courses).  But honestly that leaves me restless (in the good sense): I know that I walk out of here without the communicato-linguistic skills or prime relationships that I had hoped to find…but I know that I won’t be satisfied to leave it there.  What has been terrific about Fuller is the (truly unanticipated) challenging relationships; which have forced me into various seeings-as that I was thoroughly incapable of stumbling upon alone.

 

The take-away?  The plans being put together and shuffled and re-shuffled are going to sort out, there ‘ll be pain but it ‘ll sort out and until it’s settled upon frustration will continue.  I believe I ‘ve previously said that this degree matters less now than later: it’s significance will only really be unveiled by what challenges it causes me to answer.  And, what proves more important is people.  What good are the frustrations and scrapped half-plans and even successes if they miss people – if they fail to spill over into today and tomorrow?  Such a question can only be answered by actions (and learning from mistakes).  Great, now how is that to be embodied here and now?  Hopefully in rest, but that’s honestly a week and a half away.

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